ROUND ONE
1.
In November
one tomato hangs red
on a dry vine
2.
Cerulean ocean
whipping in the spark'ling sun,
sharp shells jab my feet
In ku #2, the only connection between the ocean, sun and shells is the person who is experiencing the sharp jab of shells. In haiku we try to minimize the so-called importance of humanity by focusing on the natural world. Although most of the poem does present facets of nature, by using the person as the focal point around which the images gather, the author has defeated the purpose of haiku. Ku #1 takes its tomato to the next round.
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3.
orange light fades away
dark tree limbs reflect on the pond
sunset in the forest
4.
a red dirt road curves,
endless rows of green trees
lightly kissed with light
The images in the first two lines of #4 had me back in southeastern Hawai’i. On the basis of my lovely memories of that area and desire to return, it would be easy to advance the ku to the next level, but the last line went astray. I am sure there was light on the road and that it was very impressive, but for haiku one cannot personalize nature with the verb like "kissing". Thus, it seems that #4 is only waiting for an excellent third line – perhaps with the light doing something besides "kissing"? Ku #3 goes ahead.
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5.
of paradise, sands,
trees, waters of tropical
paradise. Hiding.
6.
the dark wet lines
pierce the freshly cut lawn
a new driver
It seems the author of #5, in an eagerness to be brief, has not given enough information to direct the reader’s mind to the crux of the poem. Also, the strange line constructions suggest to me that someone was more interested in counting to seventeen than passing along a bit of inspiration. Ku #6 wins with its clear reasoning.
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7.
the white rushing stream
runs through wet moss covered rocks
all else is still
8.
ancient structure crumbled
from a time before
green grass alive on the old steps
From this run of entries, I would guess that a school in Hawai’i has been studying haiku and that the author of #7 had been to ‘my spot’ by Kolekole Beach. If so, their teacher has done an excellent job of making sure that the poems contain the two parts I harp about so much and most of the poems have (my) approved punctuation and caps. I have detected the goal of 5-7-5 in many of the ku, so it is a delight to find someone (in #8) who dares to break the rule! I like that which inspired the author in #8 and feel it is a good idea for haiku. For me, there is too much repeating of information. The image of "ancient structure" does not need "from a time before" in addition to "old". With a bit of rewriting this ku has real promise. In the meantime, #7 goes ahead with my heart singing memories.
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9.
sun through misty aqua
exuberant sea otter dance
reverent movement
10.
Colors splash the sea,
Hints of yellow, gold, blue, green.
An artist’s palette.
I see the author’s problem in #10 with the last line. One really needs to write ‘on (or from) an artist’s palette’ but that is one syllable too long. Solution? put this line in the middle, add a syllable (if you must) and then just put the names of the colors in the last line. I would drop the counting bit and, if the poem were mine, take out the word "colors" as it is a repeat of the names of colors. Enough is enough. I would be very, very happy with myself if I had written: splashing the sea / from the artist’s palette / yellow, gold, blue, green. It is all there just waiting to happen. Until it does for you, #9 goes ahead.
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11.
Trees stripped of their leaves
Frozen underneath the ice
The dead of winter
12.
gathering storm
she whispers to her dad
come back home soon
Ku #12 is very tantalizing and excites all sorts of ideas of what may be happening around and beyond this snippet of personal drama. But because the verse is about personal drama, it is not the best haiku material. Ku #11 wins easily.
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13.
Guiding gold light above
white glory hid dark shadows
Dangerous secrets
14.
Fire ball peeks beneath
shadows of dark trees tall,
reflects tomato soup.
Ku #13 is on shaky ground on several points. The repeat of "guiding golden light" and "white glory" feels unnecessary. Whatever it was that is called "white glory" needs to be more specific. Was it a flower? a cloud? I need to know. "Dangerous secrets" is an abstraction – you cannot visualize one if you tried. Haiku need to be written from the input of our senses not our minds. Ku#14 has the proper grounding.
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15.
Sun melts morning dew
All creation is asleep
Cockadoodledoo!
16.
The sun glistening
on sun covered mountain tall
Morning warmth has come
Well, with my gripes about repeats today, you can guess that I am going to go after the use of two suns in #16. Haiku is too short to ‘waste’ words like that. Yet, I feel from what the author saw and felt that a good haiku is lurking in the vision. Please go back to the scene, in your mind, and see what else impresses you. There was something that ‘spoke’ to you about this picture, but which you have failed to bring to the reader.
ROUND TWO
1.
In November
one tomato hangs red
on a dry vine
3.
orange light fades away
dark tree limbs reflect on the pond
sunset in the forest
If you compare these two haiku you can see the classical problem of how counting syllables leads one to put too much information into the haiku. The focus and the simplicity of ku #1 is pure haiku and easily wins this match.
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6.
the dark wet lines
pierce the freshly cut lawn
a new driver
7.
the white rushing stream
runs through wet moss covered rocks
all else is still
Again I can gripe about repeats and unnecessary information. Ku#7 is about the contrast of movement between the rushing river, the moss-covered rocks and all else. Therefore I do not need to know what color the stream is unless ‘water water’ gives the information needed for "rushing stream". I do not need the verb "runs" because it is a repeat of "rushing". (One good check to make on any haiku is to see how many verbs you have used. You need one or maybe two but more is too much.) If rocks are in a stream and covered with moss, it is assumed they are wet so the word "wet" can be eliminated. We try to not end haiku with verbs. It would be fairly easy to substitute the noun ‘stillness’ here and dump "is". Whew! all of that changing just to give #6 the go-ahead.
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9.
sun through misty aqua
exuberant sea otter dance
reverent movement
11.
Trees stripped of their leaves
Frozen underneath the ice
The dead of winter
It is interesting that these two ku end up in a match together. Each uses an abstract idea for the final line. I like the spirit of #9 and think that the author saying the way the sun moves through the misty aqua and the way the sea otters dance are both reverent movements is excellent. This is a good haiku technique of seeing two parts in a scene and pulling the actions together with an idea. I just wish "reverent movement" had been more visual. What is a "reverent movement"? What is the movement that truly combines the sun’s action in the aqua and the sea otters’ dance? Ku #11 slips by only because, in addition to the cliché "the dead of winter" there is also the concrete (forgive the pun) idea of ‘those beings who are dead in winter’.
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14.
Fire ball peeks beneath
shadows of dark trees tall,
reflects tomato soup.
15.
Sun melts morning dew
All creation is asleep
Cockadoodledoo!
I love the surprise of the sound in the last line of #15. It works perfectly to wake up the reader and it is good haiku stuff to use the word a sound makes. I only wish the first line had been a bit more help in creating the setting for the scene. How does melting dew relate to the rooster? I know you are positioning the poem in the morning, and this could have been done with an element of stillness. Also, when the sun melts dew it is always morning so, again, there is a repeat here we do not need. Let’s see how soup fairs in the next round.
ROUND THREE
1.
In November
one tomato hangs red
on a dry vine
6.
the dark wet lines
pierce the freshly cut lawn
a new driver
Ku #1 (however did it get this far?) is a run-on sentence. I guess I really liked the second line and the idea that it is the tomato that hangs red on the vine. But, looking closely, the whole ku is a simple sketch of a scene (except for the nice idea in the second line). Shiki, the father of modern haiku liked to write this kind of haiku and he would have eaten a persimmon and given you the prize, but in these days, we are a bit more demanding about the techniques of the haiku. Ku #6 goes into the winners’ circle.
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11.
Trees stripped of their leaves
Frozen underneath the ice
The dead of winter
14.
Fire ball peeks beneath
shadows of dark trees tall,
reflects tomato soup.
I love the idea of comparing a sunset to tomato soup. I do not think this has been done and would applaud the idea because it apt and it is new. Also, I like the idea of not saying ‘sunset’ but using "fire ball" which along with soup makes good sense for heating up the meal. I have a bit of trouble with the word "peeks" – it is rather close to something things with eyes do and for most ideas the sun has no eyes. I am also bothered by the addition of the word "tall" after trees. This is syllable padding and goes against all rules of simplicity. I wondered why the author used the word "reflects". It makes the last line one syllable too long, adds another verb. Too many problems with this version of the ku. Stay with the comparison and do try again using only the words you need. Ku #11 gets one more chance to win.
ROUND FOUR
6.
the dark wet lines
pierce the freshly cut lawn
a new driver
11.
Trees stripped of their leaves
Frozen underneath the ice
The dead of winter
Though normally I would not pick a ku that tries to tell a story, as #6 does, but I am intrigued by the double duty the words "freshly cut lawn" perform in this ku. On one hand we understand the lawn has been newly mowed but because the author uses "cut" and from the information in the first line, we can deduct that the newly mowed lawn has also been ‘cut’ by something else. I like the way the car and its tires, which made the lines is not mentioned. But to do this feat and to explain the lines, the author has to inject the human element, which is, thinking of the alternatives, the only thing to do for the ku. There is also a connection between "new" driver and "freshly" (or newly) cut lawn. Both are new but one has marked the other and it can be assumed that those lines will also ‘mark’ the new driver’s conscience. The author also correctly has information in the first and last lines that corresponds. Two things share an action when they "pierce the freshly cut lawn": "the dark wet lines" and "a new driver" do something together. Also, #6 has no line caps which points to someone who truly knows what a haiku is and how they work. And finally, the upbeat ideas of "freshly cut grass" and "new driver" feels happier (even though the owner of the lawn may not have been smiling) than "stripped", "frozen", "ice", "dead", and "winter". Yet I am happy seeing #11 in second place. It, too, is an interesting haiku. Still First Place goes to Jennifer O'Neil! Congratulations!
Let me read another Sea Shell Game .
Show me the form so I can submit my haiku to the Sea
Shell Game.
Maybe I need to read up on haiku.