Sea Shell Game #43
Judge Richard Watkins
August 26, 2001
FIRST LEVEL
1.
Stately monarchs stand
guarding the gate to heaven;
their arms await souls.
2.
See I cannot write
My lame words move like dead leaves
Across plains of sleep
Yes, these are lame words indeed. In the world of traditional haiku
words can not be lame--people or animals yes but not words and
capitalization is not used. Check your web site references for further
examples of haiku conventions. Although the subject in #1 is not suitable
for haiku at least I can understand what the writer is writing about however
improbable the image strikes me. #1 passes through the gates to the second
level.
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3.
the crushed rose
shares it's perfume
with my foot
4.
early morning-
waist deep in tomato plants
I think of Grandpa
Although the image of a crushed rose seems a bit brutal, I am drawn by the
sharing perfume with my foot which presents an interesting mystery . Where
is the rose? How or why did it get crushed? by a naked foot? Grandpa in #4’s
tomato patch intrigues me. Did he spend his early mornings there? On the
basis of the unanswered questions raised, I choose #3 for the next round.
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5.
bird planted the tree
sitting on the rugged fence
digesting berries
6.
small even stitches
on wedding quilt for June bride
my elbows crowded
The sequence in #5 confuses me a bit. How can a tree sit on a rugged fence
which is digesting berries. I like the thought of the bird’s digestive
efforts having planted trees. This ku has possibilities once the fences and
digestion get sorted out. Haiku is concerned with natural events as birds on
fences etc. Small even stitches and crowded elbows do not fall in this
category. So #5 goes to the next round.
7.
haystack standing
too long in the weather
mice live there
8.
lone pine scratching sky
needles covering the ground
a dusting of snow
Some one once told me if you can eliminate a word
from haiku and retain the image you have a "heavy" haiku. Haystack
standing could be more effective with tighter editing. The writer of #8 has
fallen into a common trap with aspiring haiku poets i.e. personalizing natural
objects. More specifically pine trees can not scratch the sky. I would also
suggest alternatives to the multiple gerunds; as in scratching, covering and
dusting. This ku does observe one of the conventions of haiku with the shift of
focus i.e. from the sky to the ground. This is a tough one to call but all
things considered, I give the call to ku 7.
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9.
She swings back and forth -
Hair in eyes from the false breeze
quiet winter wheat.
10.
yuppie-street
glistening on the sidewalk
a snail's trail
#9 is not the first ku in this set to be forced
into the dreaded 5-7-5 squeeze. Perhaps the rigid adherence to this convention
is a result of lack of experience writing traditional haiku. Of the many
conventions defining haiku, the old problem of syllables is easy to deal with.
Much easier than dual focus or subtler shadings such as wabi. While I’m
on the topic of conventions I’ll also mention the restrictions on
capitalization and the emphasis on natural events. #10 might have some elements
of haiku in its topic but the structure interferes with my understanding. On the
basis of those elements I’ll pass #10 to the next level.
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11.
Portrait reflection.
Looking ponds of painted glass,
Drawn pool eyes of mine.
12.
celadon washcloth
her intimate companion
bathroom steam rises
Perhaps I should not have mentioned the curse of
the syllables. Here we have it in both poems. I really can’t follow the
meaning in #11. Read it again closely with me. Have I missed something or is has
the writer not given sufficient time to develop the thought? What does the
writer mean "looking ponds of painted glass, drawn pool eyes of mine"?
Sorry I don’t get it. #12 on the other hand, save for the celadon washcloth,
is obvious. I always thought celadon was a type of pottery glaze for which the
Orientals were famous. Intimate companion and steam rising brings to mind some
very un-haiku images. Goodness what’s going on in that bathroom? Despite these
misgivings I pass #12 on to the next round.
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13.
migrant workers
in a field of fragrant color
honeybees
14.
a shooting star
the splash of a frog
in the stillness
Now this is much, much better. What a pleasant
relief to read these two ku. It gives one a nice feeling. Don’t you like the
"field of fragrant color"? The expectations of the opening line
followed in the end by the delightful surprise. Well done. Splashing frogs has a
long tradition in classic haiku. They seemed to be popping up all over the
place. But I’m having a bit of a problem dealing with the shooting star unless
this is a focus shift situation. Our attention is first drawn to the heavens
then snapped back to earth by the splash in the stillness. But even then there
is a connection between the celestial silence of the heavens and that
surrounding the pond. All in all, I go for the honeybees.
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15.
And the oceans flow
and enter the skys pure soul
True love as they met
16.
bedful ache
beneath beauty smooth
arm can sleep
Oh dear back to mystification again and another
bout of the syllable curse. Ok so let’s consider #15. You see what I mean by
syllable stuffing in the first line ‘And’ the oceans flow and a capital And
at that. Are we thinking cosmic or personal events here? Must be cosmic what
with the skys (sic) pure soul and true love. All this is a bit too esoteric for
haiku. Perhaps in these cases one should remember to keep it simple. Now we have
to deal with "bedful ache" "Bedful ache"! What on earth is
bedful ache? Does the writer mean belly ache? One strong possibility is that
this poem got scrambled in the transmission. How else can one explain
"beneath beauty smooth arm can sleep". For the sake of balance I’ll
pass ku 16 to the next level.
SECOND LEVEL
1.
Stately monarchs stand
guarding the gate to heaven;
their arms await souls.
3.
the crushed rose
shares it's perfume
with my foot
I am overwhelmed by the image of monarchs
guarding the gate to heaven. My first response was to yield the benefit of doubt
and assume the poet meant monarch butterflies. Well don’t laugh! They could be
described as stately if the poem was not meant to be a haiku. In that case we
can have stately butterflies so that possibility is eliminated. So what remains
appears to be a fragment of what could develop into a hymn or inspiration for a
richly decorated oil painting with curly haired angels, beautiful clouds etc.
Definitely not the material for haiku. So the simplicity of a crushed rose wins
for the next round.
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5.
bird planted the tree
sitting on the rugged fence
digesting berries
7.
haystack standing
too long in the weather
mice live there
In both cases here we have the potential for some
pleasing haiku were it not for the peculiar sequences. Both would benefit from
closer editing but I’ll give #7 the pass for its more clear structure.
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10.
yuppie-street
glistening on the sidewalk
a snail's trail
12.
celadon washcloth
her intimate companion
bathroom steam rises
I fail to see the connection between yuppie
street and snail’s slime on the side walk unless it is Between yuppies and
slime. Do you reckon that’s it? The ku certainly establishes a mystery which
traditionally should be resolved at the end but in this case I don’t get it.
What is meant by yuppie street? I’ll consider any suggestions. That leaves us
with the worrisome steamy bathroom scene. I can’t see any association with
natural events in this ku and therefore pass the next level to slimy trail #10.
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13.
migrant workers
in a field of fragrant color
honeybees
16.
bedful ache
beneath beauty smooth
arm can sleep
If you’ll recall my comments earlier concerning
ku #16 it will not be any surprise to you that I pass #13 on to the finals.
THIRD LEVEL
3.
the crushed rose
shares it's perfume
with my foot
7.
haystack standing
too long in the weather
mice live there
I must say I’m a bit put off by the harshness
of the crushed rose even though I like the idea of it sharing its perfume.
Although the haystack is not without room for improvement I choose it for the
next round because it is more of an observation of nature, pure and simple.
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10.
yuppie-street
glistening on the sidewalk
a snail's trail
13.
migrant workers
in a field of fragrant color
honeybees
Perhaps if more time had been given to ku 10 we
would have had a better image to draw on. As it is I still haven’t gotten past
the yuppie street. Besides that, #13 is a very good ku and desires to advance.
FOURTH LEVEL
7.
haystack standing
too long in the weather
mice live there
13.
migrant workers
in a field of fragrant color
honeybees
As I said above ku 7 is about nature, pure and
simple but #13 is al about nature pure and simple with one other important
variable. Not only is it an interesting observation of nature but it also
contains a part of the mystery of Nature in a way. What was your first response
to reading #13? Migrant workers in the fields perhaps in the American southwest
harvesting crops under the hot, blue sky.
Then comes a clue....fields of fragrant
color......hmmmmm must be thinking of fields of flowers. Then the mystery is
solved. Honeybees.
Nicely done, and the winner of this set is:
migrant workers
in a field of fragrant color
honeybees
Chris Patchel
Poems Copyright © Individual Authors 2001.
Commentary Copyright © Richard Watkins 2001.
Let me read another Sea Shell Game .
Show me the form so I can submit my haiku to the Sea
Shell Game.
Maybe I need to read up on haiku.