ROUND ONE
1
The lighthouse shines out
during night time and fog
to help lead the way.
2
daydreaming;
a startle of pigeons
up and away
The very first verse gives itself away as being a sentence by being a sentence. Ku #2 shows how a haiku is written – in two parts, and thus, wins the match.
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3
Equating the thunder
we wonder why ask
and then there's chocolate!
4
dusky charcoal hills
heavy black-bottom clouds
dampen observers
My own love of chocolate and dependence upon it for emotional stability would love to give the win to #3, but #4 is thought out and written more like a haiku so it gets the go-ahead.
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5
fish school
splashing in the pool
birds sing
6
moth comes too close to
my face. i slap it away.
wingdust fills the air.
Entry # 6 is a good example of an author trying to tell a story in 17 syllables. It accurately shows how difficult this is to do, and how unhaiku-like the attempt becomes. There is still a good haiku in the experience and I love the phrase "wingdust", so I hope s/he goes back to review (literally) the event to try again. Ku #5 goes ahead.
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7
sweet juices
trickles down a wide eyed young child's hands
fresh picked oranges
8
plants
growing in rot
and thriving.
This is the day of sentences, isn't it? Entry #8 only lacks the upper case 'p' to be correct. Of course, that means correctly a non-haiku. Ku # 7 wins the match.
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9
you shall never look
at me the same 'twas whispered
step into the stream
10
my love is for you
thru thick, thru thin, and thru life
always in my heart
Somehow I think of 'meltdown' when I read #10. I see haiku softening, deforming, becoming syrupy, even taking on a burnt chocolate smell of marked-down Valentine heart boxes. Entry #9 enters the stream farther down this game.
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11
An old pair of shoes
sitting aside a new pair -
alpha and omega
12
Ocean waves aloha
while the sand sneaks off the beach
and steals our footprints
As I read over these entries, my CD is playing "Hawai'ian Slack Key Guitar Masters" by Dancing Cat Records, so that "aloha" leaps off into my lap as I remember the Disappearing Sands Beach on the Big Island. But unfortunately, the poem is a complete sentence.
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13
Rippling vee brays;
the dotted cornfield
calls it down.
14
cathedral window
sun slants through
cherry blossoms
I am having trouble with "Rippling vee brays". I suspect the "vee" is a vee of geese, but do geese "bray"? Donkeys; yes, but geese? I love the idea of the "dotted (excellent) cornfield calls it down". The verse has good connections due to that use of "dotted" (messages given in dots, the corn shocks, even the shapes of other geese already eating the spilled corn which is in small dots. This one is so good. And how much better would it have been if "brays" was "honks"? Ku #14 sneaks ahead.
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15
into the sway
of wildflowers~
this country road
16
jasmine tea
Mahjong ivories clack
into the night
Ah, two real haiku against each other (as was also the case in the match above). So if Shiki were judging this match he would surely pick the winner to be #16 because it is a good example of his 'sketching' style – a few words painting the picture of a scene. The author even sets the location in the Orient – to be sure the reader recognizes it as a haiku. There is nothing 'wrong' with any of this – except I expect more from a haiku. And #15 gives us that.
ROUND TWO
2
daydreaming;
a startle of pigeons
up and away
4
dusky charcoal hills
heavy black-bottom clouds
dampen observers
Is it true that there has to be one in every game? a complete sentence and its opposite - a ku that is broken into three parts? Maybe so. Ku #2 takes the match with its fragment ("daydreaming;") and its phrase ("a startle of pigeons up and away").
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5
fish school
splashing in the pool
birds sing
7
sweet juices
trickles down a wide eyed young child's hands
fresh picked oranges
A couple things bother me about #5. First of all, there is the rhyme. That is not a fatal error, but somehow it grates on my nerves and feels wrong. The other problem is the last word is a verb when it is better to end a haiku with a noun.
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9
you shall never look
at me the same 'twas whispered
step into the stream
11
An old pair of shoes
sitting aside a new pair -
alpha and omega
Ku #9 has excellent tanka qualities and simply cries out to be written as such. Also, adding the philosophy that "one cannot step into the same stream twice" would be perfect tanka stuff. Get thee to the nunnery (where tanka are written). The personal pronouns also turn #9 from haiku territory into tanka realms. The shoes go ahead.
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14
cathedral window
sun slants through
cherry blossoms
15
into the sway
of wildflowers~
this country road
These two are close. Both are technically flawless. I love the idea that a tree full of cherry blossoms looks like a cathedral window. For me, this is a new idea and I like the blend of the Oriental admiration of cherry blossoms and the western image of "cathedral window". When comparing the two I finally look at their verbs. In #14 the sun 'slants' through the cherries just as it would through a cathedral window, so there is nothing there for me to fault. In its own way, #15 is truly marvelous the way the author gets one to feel the motion of the road reflects the movement of the flowers along it. Here, too, is a case of using a verb that applies to both images to completely tie them together. In doing so, something new is said about each of them. Personally, I like this haiku better, (perhaps because the author used "this" with "country road" to put the reader right there on the way) but it is so hard to say something new about cherry blossoms that I have to have great admiration for the inspiration of #14. Both are admirable haiku for different reasons so I can only declare a tie.
ROUND THREE
2
daydreaming;
a startle of pigeons
up and away
7
sweet juices
trickles down a wide eyed young child's hands
fresh picked oranges
That very long middle line of #7, which I feel could have been so easily shortened to make the ku much better, is going to be the barrier to this verse going any farther. Daydreaming crosses the hurdle.
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11
An old pair of shoes
sitting aside a new pair -
alpha and omega
14
cathedral window
sun slants through
cherry blossoms
Ku #11 was looking very good to me until I noticed the use of the word "pair" in there twice. While I was thinking of the verse, I had the idea of pushing the idea further by comparing (com"pair"ing) old shoes to a wheel chair. This would be more shocking, give one greater pause, and yet would still fit the last line while getting rid of the second "pair". This is not to say how the author should 'fix' the ku, but is a sample of how I would be thinking of the ku if it were in my notebook.
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15
into the sway
of wildflowers~
this country road
By default, #15 goes ahead.
ROUND FOUR
2
daydreaming;
a startle of pigeons
up and away
14
cathedral window
sun slants through
cherry blossoms
15
into the sway
of wildflowers~
this country road
I am sorry, but as admirable as "a startle of pigeons" is in Western poetry, it feels cliché-like and therefore I want to distance it from haiku. This does not say that haiku do not use clichés – how many times have you read 'spring rain'? Still, I am 'bothered' by this borrowing of this over-used device. Also, the last line feels like a 'throwaway' and yet it has some connection to "daydreaming", so I can complain about that. Still, I am going to stick with my disquiet with the cliché to put this ku in second place behind the tie for first place between:
14
cathedral window
sun slants through
cherry blossoms
Andrea Young
15
into the sway
of wildflowers~
this country road
Brian Gerat
Poems Copyright © Individual Authors 2000.
Commentary Copyright © Jane Reichhold 2001.
Let me read another Sea Shell Game .
Show me the form so I can submit my haiku to the Sea
Shell Game.
Maybe I need to read up on haiku.