ROUND ONE
1
Shouldered rod
his creel filled with
yarns to spin.
2
Quickened heart
jump started by lightning
Rain then calms
Verse #2 is a good example of the author trying to tell a story in three short lines. This is an easy trap to fall into when you are told that all you need is to experience a "haiku moment" which in this situation probably was. The fact that the ku does not work as a haiku is not a judgment on the value of the moment or the experience, but rather an opinion that the writing does not adhere to haiku techniques. These are many and yet very precise. If you fall outside of the norm, the verse 'fails' as a haiku. Hang in there with your experience. Take a look at some of the techniques. Surely you will find one that you can use to bring your moment into being a haiku. #1 goes to the next round.
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3
A dragonfly hovers over water
with lily pads and swimming tadpoles
it settles down on a cattail.
4
Tulip
rainbows on green necks
stretch for sun
Verse #3 makes the same 'mistake' (which is not really a 'mistake' but only fails to make a haiku) as we have just seen in the previous match. We are getting a narrative telling us about something the author saw. This is not 'wrong'; the account is just not written as a haiku. The first hint is the extreme length do we need all the information in the second line? Mostly haiku have a maximum of three nouns (less is better) and one verb (if any). I must give the author credit for making the two parts of the ku. Still #4 goes ahead,
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5
burying my face
in a muzzle lost to tears -
the final needle
6
pebbles crunch underfoot
crickets sing merrily
as the moon watches
The three verbs in #6 should alert you to the 'problem' here. If one only looks at the verbs: "crunch", "sing" and "watches", there is a strong hint that something is amiss. How could one configure that combination of actions into a haiku? The author did have the two parts (so I cannot complain about that!) but I can still grumble about the ku ending in a verb (a noun would be preferable) and the use of the adverb "merrily" which becomes judgmental and therefore is deemed unnecessary. Ku #5 wins this match.
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7
nailing haiku to
a cross in a wrapping box
Basho would beat you!
8
The day dark with rain.
old leaves struggling to hold on,
you too grow old.
Though my interest is caught by #7, I am not clear about what the author is referring. The Japanese, who also delighted in writing satirical verses about the satirical situations of writing, were aware that these needed to be separated out from regular poetry. They did this by calling them "mad poems", and somehow the designation seems to fit the attitude of this author. Ku #8 advances to the next round.
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9
how often i wonder
do you offer kindness
between the lines?
10
spring sleet
hissing loudly
in the swimming pool
Forgive me, but I have an insane urge to combine these two ku into a tanka:
how often i wonder
do you offer kindness
between the lines?
spring sleet hissing
in the swimming pool
So you see #9 is not 'wrong' it simply is not a haiku. The
lack of nouns and the personal pronouns are all signposts of a non-haiku. #10
wins the match.
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11
fire-eating dragon
with a belly full of pots...
anagama kiln
12
only the red koi
rises to nibble
the tortilla chip
One of the most vital signs of a haiku in Japanese is the use of colloquial language (the language as it is spoken by the average person) and the avoidance of foreign terms. Yet in English, in an effort to make our haiku more like the Japanese models, we easily accept and use their names for such items as the word "koi". This is not where I am going with this critique. As an old and old-timer potter, the word "anagama" completely threw me off track. If the term is unusual for me, what does it mean for others? What happens when one uses such a word is that the reader stops following the flow of images as s/he tries to untangle the meaning of the unusual word. In this split second the casual reader turns away and is lost to the poem. Which is really too bad as the first two lines are very captivating and offer so much promise. #12 goes ahead.
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13
the weed in spring
even concrete
cannot resist
14
The child architect
Lays out house plans on the lawn
Raking autumn leaves
These two ku are fairly evenly matched. In fact I have to dig rather deeply in my list of complaints to find something to fault. (silence) When pushed to the wall, all I can say is that I value more what is unsaid in #13. #14 paints a complete sketch that is correct in all aspects, except putting a child who is beginning something in autumn, the season of endings, is a minor point, and is not fatal. What becomes attractive then, in #13 is what the author leaves the reader to discover. And this is one of the 'jobs' of haiku to involve the reader in the making of the poem by having to apply thoughts. Of course, it is possible to leap so far ahead that the reader cannot follow as has happened with me in #7 and #11. So you see how narrowly a haiku can fail or succeed. #13 goes ahead here.
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15
like a magic trick
appearing, disappearing
cats paw under door
16
Eyes light at night
a deer suddenly dies
Winter is at an end
Ku#15 brings a smile to my face because I have seen just that happening and found it delightful. This event is excellent haiku material and the author has handled it fairly well. My first thought would be to omit "like". It seems to me the ku would be stronger without it. I miss an article (a, an, the) in the last line. I know why the author dropped it because the line was getting too long. If this were my ku, I would be re-evaluating how necessary "appearing, disappearing" are, if I could use shorter words to say the same thing so I could put the door on the second line and leave the 'joke' line as short as possible. Also the word "cats" needs the possessive apostrophe cat's. #16 wins the match.
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ROUND TWO
1
Shouldered rod
his creel filled with
yarns to spin.
4
Tulip
rainbows on green necks
stretch for sun
I know the subject of personification of nature is a touchy one, but are we going to allow this person to put necks on two-lips? As I read the ku, the word "necks" is that which causes my mind to stumble and stop. "Tulip rainbows" have I ever thought of a bed of tulips as a rainbow? I don't think so. Should I be thinking of them as such? I find it hard to recall having the feeling of seeing a rainbow of tulip colors. If this ku were mine, I would think back to the moment of inspiration, look at it again, and try to see exactly what impressed me at the moment to try to express it another way. Ku #1 goes to the next round.
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5
burying my face
in a muzzle lost to tears--
the final needle
8
The day dark with rain.
old leaves struggling to hold on,
you too grow old.
The problem with #8, which immediately jumps out at me, is the use of "old" twice in one ku. That is something that is to be avoided at all costs and any number of rewrites. The author, by combining an aspect of the natural world (rain, old leaves), with one of the human world (growing old) is secure in tanka territory. The technique of comparing aspects of these two worlds (which have only been separated by the hair-splitters) is often done in haiku simply because haiku are so closely related as a poetry form to tanka. Yet, because tanka have made use of this for so many more years, and haiku has been thought of showing us something else (the more cool, less personal vision), the factor of using personal pronouns has been given to tanka and not encouraged in haiku. Ku #5 wins the match.
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10
spring sleet
hissing loudly
in the swimming pool
12
only the red koi
rises to nibble
the tortilla chip
I do not know if the author of #10 meant for all those ings to be an alliterative device or not, but the ku loses mostly because it is a complete sentence. Ku #12 goes ahead.
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13
the weed in spring
even concrete
cannot resist
16
Eyes light at night
a deer suddenly dies
Winter is at an end
Both of these are haiku and could be accepted anywhere for publishing. For me, the death, and a violent one at that, of the deer is less desirable for showing the best of the spirit of haiku. Traditionally haiku have avoided death, violence and war. This concept is changing in these times as victims of war (especially in the area once known as Yugoslavia) have turned to haiku to express their own rage, pain and ultimately their hope. On one hand I am glad that they have been able to grasp haiku in such a time of deep trouble, yet I question the direction this work takes the genre. I know it is 'wrong' to close one's eyes to pain, destruction, wrongs, problems but is this the very best one can illuminate in one's poetry? Not when there is the sentiment of #13 out there also.
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ROUND THREE
1
Shouldered rod
his creel filled with
yarns to spin.
5
burying my face
in a muzzle lost to tears--
the final needle
After my spiel above, it is hard then to say which of these
two is the better haiku. Without facing #5, it would be easy to give #1 the win
of this match for the play of words which works perfectly. Yet for anyone who
has had to live through the situation of #5, one feels the heartstrings pulled,
sees how well the ku is written and wants to give it the win out of empathy. The
heart-o-meter swings over the edge in admiration for the author's ability to
take such a painful moment, to state it so gently without losing any of the
force of the moment. I can only declare this match a tie.
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12
only the red koi
rises to nibble
the tortilla chip
13
the weed in spring
even concrete
cannot resist
Ku #12 is interesting (to me) because it has two 'foreign' words. I know you might say that all the words in the English language were once 'foreign' as they were all learned from some other culture, but you must also admit that if you understand what a "koi" is, you know it is a Japanese word, and "tortilla" comes from Mexico. But I digress. What is happening between the red koi and the chip that should interest us? What has the author seen or felt that I need to know? In contrast, the view of the author in #13, though not stated, is very clear. Thus, it goes ahead.
ROUND FOUR
1
Shouldered rod
his creel filled with
yarns to spin.
5
burying my face
in a muzzle lost to tears -
the final needle
13
the weed in spring
even concrete
cannot resist
I feel backed to a wall by excellence. I try this and that in my mind and yet there seems to be not one suggestion I could find to make any of these ku any better than they already are. I give up. You guys are too good. All three are winners! Congratulations!
1
Shouldered rod
his creel filled with
yarns to spin.
Pat Grantt
5
burying my face
in a muzzle lost to tears--
the final needle
Stephen Amor
13
the weed in spring
even concrete
cannot resist
Poems Copyright © Individual Authors 2000.
Commentary Copyright © Jane Reichhold 2001.
Let me read another Sea Shell Game .
Show me the form so I can submit my haiku to the Sea
Shell Game.
Maybe I need to read up on haiku.